It's the wee hours of the morning and I haven't slept yet. I'm working on a letter of intent and a resume that I will submit by someone's fax tomorrow morning. A position has come up at the same ministry my brother works for that I am just right for. The day after I found out about this opening a friend I lived with in college called from the same city looking for a housemate. (Is that you, God?) If I get this job I would 1.)have a full-time income, small as it might be, 2.)work with my brother who is also my friend, 3.) I would not have to wear a uniform or a hat to work, 4.)I could pierce my nose, 5.)I could be near two of my doctors while we figure out how much my body is going to destroy my thyroid. (Yes, I haven't mentioned that because it seemed weird to post a whole post about my thyroid. But we may have discovered the cause of some health issues from early teens until now, and I'm on a bit o' medication.) I could save and then move to New Jersey with some other friends whom I love and who read this blog. :-)
I'm scared. Of leaving my house and my family, of never moving out, of never growing up, of having to grow up, of money, of aging, of being alone, of romantic relationships, of lack of romantic relationships, of losing my friends, of being terrible at a new job, of being unattractive, of my past. Blah blah blah.
But I'm excited. Because besides all the fear which is both normal and irrational, I choose to believe that God is holding me, that my friends and family love me, that my past is not a total disaster, and that I can take life by the horns (you know, so they don't stab you) and go have an adventure. I'm never going to be a wild risk taker. But today, I worked out even though I felt stupid doing it, and I'm applying for a big-girl job. Then I'm going to sleep and drink tea and wait for you, my loves, to send your love. Or even show up on my doorstep because I miss you all so much.
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