Oh the Possibilities

It's the wee hours of the morning and I haven't slept yet.  I'm working on a letter of intent and a resume that I will submit by someone's fax tomorrow morning.  A position has come up at the same ministry my brother works for that I am just right for.  The day after I found out about this opening a friend I lived with in college called from the same city looking for a housemate.  (Is that you, God?)  If I get this job I would 1.)have a full-time income, small as it might be, 2.)work with my brother who is also my friend, 3.) I would not have to wear a uniform or a hat to work, 4.)I could pierce my nose, 5.)I could be near two of my doctors while we figure out how much my body is going to destroy my thyroid. (Yes, I haven't mentioned that because it seemed weird to post a whole post about my thyroid.  But we may have discovered the cause of some health issues from early teens until now, and I'm on a bit o' medication.) I could save and then move to New Jersey with some other friends whom I love and who read this blog. :-)

I'm scared.  Of leaving my house and my family, of never moving out, of never growing up, of having to grow up, of money, of aging, of being alone, of romantic relationships, of lack of romantic relationships, of losing my friends, of being terrible at a new job, of being unattractive, of my past.  Blah blah blah.

But I'm excited.  Because besides all the fear which is both normal and irrational, I choose to believe that God is holding me, that my friends and family love me, that my past is not a total disaster, and that I can take life by the horns (you know, so they don't stab you) and go have an adventure.  I'm never going to be a wild risk taker.  But today, I worked out even though I felt stupid doing it, and I'm applying for a big-girl job.  Then I'm going to sleep and drink tea and wait for you, my loves, to send your love.  Or even show up on my doorstep because I miss you all so much.

He Wishes For The Cloths Of Heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

--William Butler Yeats

Children's Church Act 1

The church I attend has a few children who have reached Sunday School age, so I volunteered to teach a children's church once a month.  I find that small children are easier to teach than high school age (except for the lack of attention span) because 1.) they like songs 2.) they like crafts 3.) they like you, generally, and think you are exciting even if you are just drawing stick figures 4.) they are easily bribed with treats 5.) they are funny 6.) sometimes they ask really good questions 7.) they are not thinking about dating 8.) they believe in God.  Our first lesson was on Creation, and when I was talking about how God created people, one little boy shared his deep thoughts: "I have thought about this, and I just keep thinking how could my mother's mother have a mother?  But she does!  Grandma Sue has a mother!"  His sister said, "Everyone has a mother.  Well, except Adam and Eve."  And of course, one bright girl asked "But where did the other people come from, that Cain married."  I just told her I don't know and I don't know why the Bible doesn't tell us.  (I didn't want to say share the speculation that the gene pool was broad enough that brothers and sisters could marry, and I didn't want them to think it up on their own.)  So we ate Peeps and memorized Genesis 1:1, although one little girl just says John 3:16 instead.  Which is fine.  She just thinks that it's the only memory verse.  Next session:  Noah's Ark, with playdough.