The Big Move. Sort of.

I was supposed to move to New Jersey last Monday.  HA. My car got had a little case of the sniffles and it turned into pneumonia.  In the hospital, out of the hospital, back to the hospital.  Good grief.  So I've been off work and at my house and in limbo for a week, which hasn't been terrible because I repacked and bought some food and read three books and gave my dog a bath and drank like a gallon of hot beverages.  But now I'm finally almost to this Monday, when I move, and I'm kind of excited but more just sort of out of it after living out of a box in my own house.

I haven't been posting because 1.) my life has been uneventful and then 2.) a million thoughts at once that I have trouble processing.  But here we go, new adventure, probably God has some surprises, and I'm pumped to live with girls again.  Wow, that will be different.

So, hopefully, in a few months, I'll be doing something extraordinary or at least lucrative but for now, NJ is a complete unknown.  As in, never been.  Whee...

Sowing Love

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

 

 This prayer is popularly called the Prayer of St. Francis (who lived in the 13th century), but the farthest back it can be traced (according to Wikipedia) is 1912, when it was published as an anonymous prayer in a small french spiritual magazine called La Clochette (The Bell.)  I took the time to really read it carefully, and to consider what it would mean to live this out.  And my conclusion is:  my love is too small.  I'm so aware of this every day as I see my secret thoughts.  I can be jealous of a friend, selfish with my time, unconcerned for lost people who need kindness, unfocused in my pursuit of Christ.  I don't know how to grow my love exactly but I know some part of it is connected to being filled with the Spirit of God and being changed into the image of Jesus.  If I could understand how much God loved me, and live in that knowledge, it would compel me to love as naturally as I breath.  I don't want to go through the motions of love, I want to truly have this quality so that no matter what the situation I can be what is needed.  Love is the essence of life, what makes it worthwhile.  And my heart can be so hard, out of fear mostly, but I want to be soft again, and compassionate, and whole, because of Love.

Oh the Possibilities

It's the wee hours of the morning and I haven't slept yet.  I'm working on a letter of intent and a resume that I will submit by someone's fax tomorrow morning.  A position has come up at the same ministry my brother works for that I am just right for.  The day after I found out about this opening a friend I lived with in college called from the same city looking for a housemate.  (Is that you, God?)  If I get this job I would 1.)have a full-time income, small as it might be, 2.)work with my brother who is also my friend, 3.) I would not have to wear a uniform or a hat to work, 4.)I could pierce my nose, 5.)I could be near two of my doctors while we figure out how much my body is going to destroy my thyroid. (Yes, I haven't mentioned that because it seemed weird to post a whole post about my thyroid.  But we may have discovered the cause of some health issues from early teens until now, and I'm on a bit o' medication.) I could save and then move to New Jersey with some other friends whom I love and who read this blog. :-)

I'm scared.  Of leaving my house and my family, of never moving out, of never growing up, of having to grow up, of money, of aging, of being alone, of romantic relationships, of lack of romantic relationships, of losing my friends, of being terrible at a new job, of being unattractive, of my past.  Blah blah blah.

But I'm excited.  Because besides all the fear which is both normal and irrational, I choose to believe that God is holding me, that my friends and family love me, that my past is not a total disaster, and that I can take life by the horns (you know, so they don't stab you) and go have an adventure.  I'm never going to be a wild risk taker.  But today, I worked out even though I felt stupid doing it, and I'm applying for a big-girl job.  Then I'm going to sleep and drink tea and wait for you, my loves, to send your love.  Or even show up on my doorstep because I miss you all so much.

He Wishes For The Cloths Of Heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

--William Butler Yeats

Children's Church Act 1

The church I attend has a few children who have reached Sunday School age, so I volunteered to teach a children's church once a month.  I find that small children are easier to teach than high school age (except for the lack of attention span) because 1.) they like songs 2.) they like crafts 3.) they like you, generally, and think you are exciting even if you are just drawing stick figures 4.) they are easily bribed with treats 5.) they are funny 6.) sometimes they ask really good questions 7.) they are not thinking about dating 8.) they believe in God.  Our first lesson was on Creation, and when I was talking about how God created people, one little boy shared his deep thoughts: "I have thought about this, and I just keep thinking how could my mother's mother have a mother?  But she does!  Grandma Sue has a mother!"  His sister said, "Everyone has a mother.  Well, except Adam and Eve."  And of course, one bright girl asked "But where did the other people come from, that Cain married."  I just told her I don't know and I don't know why the Bible doesn't tell us.  (I didn't want to say share the speculation that the gene pool was broad enough that brothers and sisters could marry, and I didn't want them to think it up on their own.)  So we ate Peeps and memorized Genesis 1:1, although one little girl just says John 3:16 instead.  Which is fine.  She just thinks that it's the only memory verse.  Next session:  Noah's Ark, with playdough.

Sonnets 04: Only Until This Cigarette Is Ended

Only until this cigarette is ended,
A little moment at the end of all,
While on the floor the quiet ashes fall,
And in the firelight to a lance extended,
Bizarrely with the jazzing music blended,
The broken shadow dances on the wall,
I will permit my memory to recall
The vision of you, by all my dreams attended.
And then adieu,—farewell!—the dream is done.
Yours is a face of which I can forget
The color and the features, every one,
The words not ever, and the smiles not yet;
But in your day this moment is the sun
Upon a hill, after the sun has set.

--Edna St. Vincent Millay

Caution to the Wind

He had planned to buy a mouth guard, but didn't see one he wanted.  So he just strapped on a helmet.  This text, an hour after they left the house:  "Ha ha, I just broke my teeth."  I thought "ha ha" meant it was a minor chip.  I didn't realize he meant he broke them out of his mouth.  So I didn't do anything.  Then he walked in the house with a bloody face.

This can all be traced back to me.  I introduced my Jared to the other Jared, two hurricanes joining forces.  And they went to ride trick bikes, so confident in their sinewy muscles and the invincibility of youth.  But there's a fine line between courage and foolhardiness, and if you tilt your weight over the handlebars too far your face will learn it.  Modern dentistry had just enough tooth left to attach temporary crowns after two root canals.  The final teeth will be attached in two weeks.

The night after the accident he clicked "purchase" on the bike he'd chosen before his first ride.  "It's like a bronco; you have to get right back on."  Meanwhile, Jared 2 is reconsidering the wisdom in this phrase "If I'm not scaring myself, it's not a good ride."